I saw the most delightful client yesterday who has just come to the end of her sessions with me. It prompted me to reflect on my client base over the past few years and I realised that some of my most rewarding clients have been ladies in their seventies. Now this was not quite what I was expecting, in fact my target market isn't this demographic, but I have been so surprised with these ladies.
There have been 3 of them, and all have been wonderful, accomplished, fascinating individuals. Whilst working with them I have been privileged to learn about their lives and what they have been through. All 3 went through the war in London and Essex and this has shaped them fundamentally, life really was different in those days. And the ways in which life was different has been the reason they turned out like they did and able to do so much, so talented and able. I bet they could turn their hands to anything you suggested.
I almost feel a pang when clients like these come to the end of their time with me but they can't rely on me forever and once our work is done, a client has to learn to go it alone. Maybe slowly at first but confidence will increase and the work we have done sows the seeds for improvement that continues long after our sessions finish.
Today I salute my amazing clients and the work they have done and I feel enriched for having known them.
I suppose we have to notice all that is around us and drink in the opportunities provided. All our experiences teach us something, or show us something we may not have noticed if we don't take the time to notice and reflect. This isn't to say we should go around contemplating ourselves and navel-gazing constantly! It's about mindfulness, and really seeing and experiencing rather than drifting. If I had turned my ladies away because they didn't belong to my ideal theoretical client group, I would not have learned what I did and truly I feel better for it.
A happy and fulfilled Helen is about to press the "Submit" button! Enjoy your day, I hope it is as good as mine has been.
Showing posts with label journey of life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journey of life. Show all posts
Friday, 27 January 2012
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
Let's get emotional
Yes, it's time to get emotional - really emotional! Forget the idea of balance and use all those feelings that we are used to hiding. I know, it's a bit of a step change but keep with me.
Last week I met a wonderful mentor and motivator called Sunil Bali and he reminded me of something I had totally forgotten. To place emotions on our goals. Huh??? If we use our emotions then we make something more real. If we link emotions to a memory then we recreate it for ourselves and can revivify that memory.
If we add emotions and feelings to goals in the future, the entire thing becomes more real for us. The more real it becomes, the more enthused we become with it because we do want to FEEL that emotion we have conjured, that emotional value that we have placed on a future event or situation. And let's make no mistake about this. We DO place more value on emotions than on money for example. (I'd be surprised if you have to think about that statement for long.)
So what we do is to attach an emotion to a goal and it becomes far more effective as a motivating force. We are giving the goal power – emotional power. Hopefully you have found the power of stating and committing to SMART goals this year. I know I have. Your challenge for next year is to add emotion to next years goals. How will you feel when you have achieved them? I know I felt stupidly, ridiculously happy and free and proud of myself when I submitted my tax return in November instead of on 31st January! OK, I'll pause for riotous laughter.... But it was something that I was honestly happy about because it freed my feelings. I had nothing hanging over me, I was able to stretch out and go forward without being dragged back by a nagging feeling that I had something very important to do.
So this year, goals will be SMARTE. Shall we add R for "Review Regularly"? This would make goals that are SMARTER. So to recap, goals should be:
Specific
Measurable
Achievable
Realistic
Time-bound
Emotional
Reviewed Regularly
I'm committing to this again for next year. Are you?
Last week I met a wonderful mentor and motivator called Sunil Bali and he reminded me of something I had totally forgotten. To place emotions on our goals. Huh??? If we use our emotions then we make something more real. If we link emotions to a memory then we recreate it for ourselves and can revivify that memory.
If we add emotions and feelings to goals in the future, the entire thing becomes more real for us. The more real it becomes, the more enthused we become with it because we do want to FEEL that emotion we have conjured, that emotional value that we have placed on a future event or situation. And let's make no mistake about this. We DO place more value on emotions than on money for example. (I'd be surprised if you have to think about that statement for long.)
So what we do is to attach an emotion to a goal and it becomes far more effective as a motivating force. We are giving the goal power – emotional power. Hopefully you have found the power of stating and committing to SMART goals this year. I know I have. Your challenge for next year is to add emotion to next years goals. How will you feel when you have achieved them? I know I felt stupidly, ridiculously happy and free and proud of myself when I submitted my tax return in November instead of on 31st January! OK, I'll pause for riotous laughter.... But it was something that I was honestly happy about because it freed my feelings. I had nothing hanging over me, I was able to stretch out and go forward without being dragged back by a nagging feeling that I had something very important to do.
So this year, goals will be SMARTE. Shall we add R for "Review Regularly"? This would make goals that are SMARTER. So to recap, goals should be:
Specific
Measurable
Achievable
Realistic
Time-bound
Emotional
Reviewed Regularly
I'm committing to this again for next year. Are you?
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
What a lovely job
I have had such a good day today. So good that I feel the need to tell everyone about it.
My first client today has made huge leaps and bounds in an incredibly short time. I just loved seeing her so happy and positive again.
My next client was someone who had booked in late for a single issue in a single session. What a wonderfully lovely man! One of the perks of my job is meeting so many interesting and truly "nice" people. This man however was truly something special. He works at a job at the moment but is looking to find a different path in life that reflects his true personaility. He is NLP and EFT trained and I feel sure that he would make a sensitive, nurturing and successful therapist. The work we carried out, although brief was good and effective and my client phoned me later to tell me all about his successful afternoon.
There's a lesson to us all here - sometimes we have to make a leap of faith. And sometimes we have to be employed to fund what we really enjoy in life whatever it is. And if we remain open to opportunity and instinct then we can also sometimes be fortunate enough to do what we love in return for money.
My last client of the day is proper special. He is autistic and I have blogged about him before. He has also made such enormous strides and I felt so proud of him today for the progress he had made.
And, and, and... one of my clients phoned me this weekend and everything in her life is sounding VERY promising too.
I fitted in more today, but I just had to write these parts of it down. It has been an extra special day in many ways. What's that word? Ah yes - gratitude.
My first client today has made huge leaps and bounds in an incredibly short time. I just loved seeing her so happy and positive again.
My next client was someone who had booked in late for a single issue in a single session. What a wonderfully lovely man! One of the perks of my job is meeting so many interesting and truly "nice" people. This man however was truly something special. He works at a job at the moment but is looking to find a different path in life that reflects his true personaility. He is NLP and EFT trained and I feel sure that he would make a sensitive, nurturing and successful therapist. The work we carried out, although brief was good and effective and my client phoned me later to tell me all about his successful afternoon.
There's a lesson to us all here - sometimes we have to make a leap of faith. And sometimes we have to be employed to fund what we really enjoy in life whatever it is. And if we remain open to opportunity and instinct then we can also sometimes be fortunate enough to do what we love in return for money.
My last client of the day is proper special. He is autistic and I have blogged about him before. He has also made such enormous strides and I felt so proud of him today for the progress he had made.
And, and, and... one of my clients phoned me this weekend and everything in her life is sounding VERY promising too.
I fitted in more today, but I just had to write these parts of it down. It has been an extra special day in many ways. What's that word? Ah yes - gratitude.
Monday, 28 June 2010
Hypno-Birthing
I have been training this weekend, on a masterclass in hypnosis for childbirth. It has become popularly known as "hypno-birthing" but an American training company have tried to copyright the word in UK. It's a shame as the general public are only using the term in the same way as we might say "hypno-dieting" meaning using hypnosis for dieting. Anyhow, the words hypno-birthing have not been copyrighted so I will use them to describe the process of using hypnosis training to assist in childbirth.
It's a great system. If you are hypnotically trained to use hypnosis to keep calm and relaxed then you do not impede your body's ability to give birth. Very many women in our culture have come to believe that birth is a painful ordeal so they fear it. Because they are fearful they tense up and this tension actually creates pain and really can hinder the baby's smooth passage into the world.
Hypnotocally trained women have no fear, only confidence in their own abilities and so they tend to have shorter, more comfortable and simpler labours and births. They also have shorter recovery times, less incidence of post-natal depression and better breast feeding outcomes. The babies also have higher Apgar scores and tend to be calmer.
It's so simple, I don't know why every woman doesn't use hypnosis for birth!
This was a good masterclass though and although I didn't actually learn anything new, I verified my knowledge and skills and, swot that I am, I was top student too. With any luck, it will make up for England losing to Germany again. At least I didn't have to sit through the match :-)
It's a great system. If you are hypnotically trained to use hypnosis to keep calm and relaxed then you do not impede your body's ability to give birth. Very many women in our culture have come to believe that birth is a painful ordeal so they fear it. Because they are fearful they tense up and this tension actually creates pain and really can hinder the baby's smooth passage into the world.
Hypnotocally trained women have no fear, only confidence in their own abilities and so they tend to have shorter, more comfortable and simpler labours and births. They also have shorter recovery times, less incidence of post-natal depression and better breast feeding outcomes. The babies also have higher Apgar scores and tend to be calmer.
It's so simple, I don't know why every woman doesn't use hypnosis for birth!
This was a good masterclass though and although I didn't actually learn anything new, I verified my knowledge and skills and, swot that I am, I was top student too. With any luck, it will make up for England losing to Germany again. At least I didn't have to sit through the match :-)
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
Is it stress or too much to do?
Sometimes there really is too much to do in life. Which is why I am sitting here blogging about it, because I am bored with working and tidying and decided to write about it whilst putting my laptop back in my study.
Not only do I have a full-on day helping people, I then have to pick up a tired and often grumpy 3 year old from nursery. On arrival at home I have to coax him out of the car (safely) and get him into the house (safely) at which point I then have to deal with a bouncing and starving labrador. Trying to feed both 3 year old and dog without one of them imploding is a task in itself.
(Oh and add in the clearing up of dog sick at least once a week, in fact twice today)
After tea time, getting an even more tired small person bathed, teeth-brushed, toileted and into bed without ructions provides yet more fun and games.
So by 7.30 I am ready to start the rest of the day's work. Cooking a meal, clearing up, washing up, opening the post, checking emails, a bit of book-keeping, filing from the day's work and preparation for the next. Then after all that's done there is washing and house cleaning to do.
Sometimes I do wonder where I'm going wrong...
Not only do I have a full-on day helping people, I then have to pick up a tired and often grumpy 3 year old from nursery. On arrival at home I have to coax him out of the car (safely) and get him into the house (safely) at which point I then have to deal with a bouncing and starving labrador. Trying to feed both 3 year old and dog without one of them imploding is a task in itself.
(Oh and add in the clearing up of dog sick at least once a week, in fact twice today)
After tea time, getting an even more tired small person bathed, teeth-brushed, toileted and into bed without ructions provides yet more fun and games.
So by 7.30 I am ready to start the rest of the day's work. Cooking a meal, clearing up, washing up, opening the post, checking emails, a bit of book-keeping, filing from the day's work and preparation for the next. Then after all that's done there is washing and house cleaning to do.
Sometimes I do wonder where I'm going wrong...
Monday, 21 June 2010
Changing Memories
Can you change a memory? Well to a point, yes you can.
Sometimes, people who have been through a distressing or traumatic event would like their memory of it wiped. This we cannot do. The making of a memory involves a chemical change in the brain, and this cannot be erased.
But the mind is both incredibly intelligent and at the same time, fluid and plastic, childlike and susceptible to manipulation. Aha, this gives us a way in for therapuetic use.
The mind cannot distinguish between reality and fantasy. So over time, if memories change subtly, the mind literally does not know. It can add or take away detail and emotions. So we can use this to our therapeutic advantage.
Let's give a simple example. Someone who is good at making presentations and public speaking has very many successful speeches stored away in memory. So he or she can feel confident about the next one because all his evidence is that he is good at public speaking - all his memories tell him that. The person who is nervous or panicky about it is the person who does not have this data stored in his mind. He has no evidence of previous success to work on.
So what we can do is create some "memories" for him. We work, in hypnotic trance, to create some fantasies of successful times giving a speech or presentation. Then the mind does have some successful evidence with which to back up confident feelings. We are essentially rehearsing the event mentally. there are many ways to do this and each hypnotheapist will use which ever techniques seem appropriate to the client and the situation.
And what about Bloody Sunday? Well, as we travel further in time from the original event, the memories become less reliable. If even a tiny trace of different evidence takes root in the mind, it can change the original memory, hence the reason why so many people reported that they had been the saviour of the finger. They probably all believe it too. Have you heard the expression, "He had told the lie so often, he had almost come to believe it himself" ? It is a line that I have only ever read in novels but it speaks the truth.
Sometimes, people who have been through a distressing or traumatic event would like their memory of it wiped. This we cannot do. The making of a memory involves a chemical change in the brain, and this cannot be erased.
But the mind is both incredibly intelligent and at the same time, fluid and plastic, childlike and susceptible to manipulation. Aha, this gives us a way in for therapuetic use.
The mind cannot distinguish between reality and fantasy. So over time, if memories change subtly, the mind literally does not know. It can add or take away detail and emotions. So we can use this to our therapeutic advantage.
Let's give a simple example. Someone who is good at making presentations and public speaking has very many successful speeches stored away in memory. So he or she can feel confident about the next one because all his evidence is that he is good at public speaking - all his memories tell him that. The person who is nervous or panicky about it is the person who does not have this data stored in his mind. He has no evidence of previous success to work on.
So what we can do is create some "memories" for him. We work, in hypnotic trance, to create some fantasies of successful times giving a speech or presentation. Then the mind does have some successful evidence with which to back up confident feelings. We are essentially rehearsing the event mentally. there are many ways to do this and each hypnotheapist will use which ever techniques seem appropriate to the client and the situation.
And what about Bloody Sunday? Well, as we travel further in time from the original event, the memories become less reliable. If even a tiny trace of different evidence takes root in the mind, it can change the original memory, hence the reason why so many people reported that they had been the saviour of the finger. They probably all believe it too. Have you heard the expression, "He had told the lie so often, he had almost come to believe it himself" ? It is a line that I have only ever read in novels but it speaks the truth.
Monday, 24 May 2010
Regression
Before I get on with my subject, an update on my Retreats. I am at the stage of crystallising ideas and gathering support. And the support is there. Once I have a full programme and a location then I can go to organisations for funding, such as Combat Stress and Help for Heroes. I am still very excited about it.
But what of regression? Regression is only to take a person back in their memory to a time where something occurred which has affected a person such that their current life is still affected. A faulty programme has been cause dto run by an event that happened in the past.
A simple explanation is the person who suffered the loss of their mother or father when they were young. They never quite got over it and as a result they shy away from relationships or they can't sustain a relationship due to the underlying fear of losing a person again. Thus the event cause faulty programming to never allow close relationships.
There are many healing methods that can be employed to help a person gain perspective and feel better about their past. And when that is achieved they can learn to behave in more beneficial ways today.
Regression was the subject of my CPD this month and a fascinating weekend was spent in Kings College London in the hottest weekend of the year! I suffer for my art you see! But as well as suffering I was able to nurture my inner child and unpack some of my formative experiences. What's an inner child? It's the subject of the next blog post!
But what of regression? Regression is only to take a person back in their memory to a time where something occurred which has affected a person such that their current life is still affected. A faulty programme has been cause dto run by an event that happened in the past.
A simple explanation is the person who suffered the loss of their mother or father when they were young. They never quite got over it and as a result they shy away from relationships or they can't sustain a relationship due to the underlying fear of losing a person again. Thus the event cause faulty programming to never allow close relationships.
There are many healing methods that can be employed to help a person gain perspective and feel better about their past. And when that is achieved they can learn to behave in more beneficial ways today.
Regression was the subject of my CPD this month and a fascinating weekend was spent in Kings College London in the hottest weekend of the year! I suffer for my art you see! But as well as suffering I was able to nurture my inner child and unpack some of my formative experiences. What's an inner child? It's the subject of the next blog post!
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
The ball is rolling
It's amazing what a new project can do for your general motivation. My Retreat project is gathering momentum. I feel at the moment that I hardly need do anything, like it will run on it's own legs! It;s not quite the case of course. There's plenty of work that I need to actually complete but when momentum picks up it's hard to stop, and that's a good thing.
I hope you are enjoyingthe sunshine even if, like me, you are shivering in the cold north winds.
I hope you are enjoyingthe sunshine even if, like me, you are shivering in the cold north winds.
Saturday, 1 May 2010
New Venture
Since I was at university I have had so many ideas for business ventures. Many of them I have seen taken up successfully by others and it's a bit galling. At the moment I am on a creative streak. I have so many ideas bubbling away that I hardly think my life will be long enough to ever achieve all of them. Perhaps it's all about that period of growth that happens in the spring time.
The idea that I am acting upon though is concerning overcoming trauma. I seem to have been doing a lot of this work recently, for social services, for motor insurance companies as well as individuals.
My vision is to run a retreat for members of the Armed Forces who are getting over time spent on operational duty. In the First World War we called it shell-shock. In the second it was termed a "Lack of Moral Fibre." Instead of being shot for cowardice men were discharged with the acronym LMF written upon their records. We now call difficulties arising as a result of operational tours Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD.
PTSD gets quite a bit of publicity in relation to servicemen. No doubt the most seriously affected are being treated by the defence medical services. But not everyone who is struggling is getting the help they need. Sometimes PTSD comes on insidiously. The previously ambitious family man in his early thirties who is now listless and having too many arguments with his wife may be suffering. So too the young single soldier who is drinking too much, far too much and has taken to going out on his own at times rather than with his mates.
My retreat is aimed at these sort of people, for whom life is ok but not quite what is used to be before they returned from an operational tour. Who know that something may be wrong but can't quite put their finger on it. I am planning to run a week where guests have time to be themselves, to have some physical and emotional therapy, enjoy a few low key activities. In essence to start to recover a sense of who they are.
There is a lot of work to be done yet. I have to find a location and a house or hotel for the accommodation; the costings need to be done; I need to plan the therapies and activities; conduct some more market research. I have one colleague on board already and I think between us we can make it work.
It is a very exciting project for me and although I may have missed out on some ideas over the years, this is one that I want to make work.
The idea that I am acting upon though is concerning overcoming trauma. I seem to have been doing a lot of this work recently, for social services, for motor insurance companies as well as individuals.
My vision is to run a retreat for members of the Armed Forces who are getting over time spent on operational duty. In the First World War we called it shell-shock. In the second it was termed a "Lack of Moral Fibre." Instead of being shot for cowardice men were discharged with the acronym LMF written upon their records. We now call difficulties arising as a result of operational tours Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD.
PTSD gets quite a bit of publicity in relation to servicemen. No doubt the most seriously affected are being treated by the defence medical services. But not everyone who is struggling is getting the help they need. Sometimes PTSD comes on insidiously. The previously ambitious family man in his early thirties who is now listless and having too many arguments with his wife may be suffering. So too the young single soldier who is drinking too much, far too much and has taken to going out on his own at times rather than with his mates.
My retreat is aimed at these sort of people, for whom life is ok but not quite what is used to be before they returned from an operational tour. Who know that something may be wrong but can't quite put their finger on it. I am planning to run a week where guests have time to be themselves, to have some physical and emotional therapy, enjoy a few low key activities. In essence to start to recover a sense of who they are.
There is a lot of work to be done yet. I have to find a location and a house or hotel for the accommodation; the costings need to be done; I need to plan the therapies and activities; conduct some more market research. I have one colleague on board already and I think between us we can make it work.
It is a very exciting project for me and although I may have missed out on some ideas over the years, this is one that I want to make work.
Friday, 30 April 2010
Holiday Season Already?
The holiday season has started and with it, the prophecy from an aviation expert that planes will fall from the sky due to volcanic ash. This is not helpful to people who are nervous and already I had 2 clients book in last week for help with fear of flying. If this is you, or someone you know, it is a fear that can be helped. It takes a few sessions so please don’t contact me 10 days before you are due to fly – give us a chance!
On a different note, some of my blog posts in January revolved around goal setting and achieving for this year. If you haven’t reviewed things out for a while, go and take a look and have an update session. It shouldn’t take long, but it will help to get you back on track.
One of my goals this year was to submit my tax return at the beginning of the tax year and not get it to the accountant on 25 January again. Maybe this year I will be back on his Christmas card list! Anyway, it is going quite well so far. I have completed the easy parts, done most of the middling difficult bits and have not quite started on the hunting-for-information for the tough parts. And this is the crux of the matter – getting on with the things we don’t like very much.
Tasks that we don’t like rarely take as long as we expect them to. Getting started is the key because if we don’t start then we haven’t a hope of finishing and finishing is the goal. And have you noticed that unpleasant tasks have a habit of hanging over you? The black cloud of my tax return starts to hover in early April and by Christmas it’s pretty dark and dangerous. Thankfully my wonderful accountant (at Cottons by the way!) saved me from the thunder and lightning of the Revenue’s rage. This year I shall be wafting a summery parasol very shortly – and mainly because I determined my goals at the beginning of the year, wrote them down and keep checking up on progress.
Whatever your goals, get started on them. Getting started on the journey is often the hardest part because once you are on the road there tend to be signposts and rest stops which can keep you going. It’s the same for dreams, whether your dream is to weigh 6 stone less, combat a fear of flying or write a bestseller, I urge you to start, because that is the only way to the end point and realising your dream.
Enjoy the Spring
On a different note, some of my blog posts in January revolved around goal setting and achieving for this year. If you haven’t reviewed things out for a while, go and take a look and have an update session. It shouldn’t take long, but it will help to get you back on track.
One of my goals this year was to submit my tax return at the beginning of the tax year and not get it to the accountant on 25 January again. Maybe this year I will be back on his Christmas card list! Anyway, it is going quite well so far. I have completed the easy parts, done most of the middling difficult bits and have not quite started on the hunting-for-information for the tough parts. And this is the crux of the matter – getting on with the things we don’t like very much.
Tasks that we don’t like rarely take as long as we expect them to. Getting started is the key because if we don’t start then we haven’t a hope of finishing and finishing is the goal. And have you noticed that unpleasant tasks have a habit of hanging over you? The black cloud of my tax return starts to hover in early April and by Christmas it’s pretty dark and dangerous. Thankfully my wonderful accountant (at Cottons by the way!) saved me from the thunder and lightning of the Revenue’s rage. This year I shall be wafting a summery parasol very shortly – and mainly because I determined my goals at the beginning of the year, wrote them down and keep checking up on progress.
Whatever your goals, get started on them. Getting started on the journey is often the hardest part because once you are on the road there tend to be signposts and rest stops which can keep you going. It’s the same for dreams, whether your dream is to weigh 6 stone less, combat a fear of flying or write a bestseller, I urge you to start, because that is the only way to the end point and realising your dream.
Enjoy the Spring
Wednesday, 24 March 2010
Dishonesty and Psychological Reversal
Some people reckon they never tell lies. Unlikely isn't it? The magnitude of the lie perhaps has some relevance but I am sure that we all allow untruths to creep into our lives.
Most people tell lies to save themselves or others from harm, whether emotional or physical. Some people however lie in order to harm themselves.
Why on earth would anyone do that? It's known as Pyschological Reversal. Usually the mind will do all it can to protect itself and protect the body that houses it. In a psychologically reversed individual however it will act to harm itself.
Let's take someone who engages in negative and destructive behaviours. A classic one is the overweight person who knows they are eating themselves to poor looks, a restricted lifestyle, low self-esteem, bad health and potentially early death but carries on eating regardless. This person is not acting for their best interests and has reversed that mind behaviour that acts to protect.
What a perverse thing to do! Or is it?
In a pyschologically reversed person, there are deep forces at work in the mind. Essentially, the mind believes it really is protecting the person. But the way that protection is manifested is destructive to the whole. The reversed person is usually unaware of why they are doing what they do.
One fascinating case, treated by Roy Hunter, concerns a successful and career-minded 40 year old man who was overweight. He had piled the pounds on over the last 3 years and prior to that he was a healthy weight. Whilst in a hypnotic trance it was ofund out that a few years ago, he had been propositioned by a woman at work. Attracted by her but knowing that an office affair could spell the end of his career, he turned her down. Being so focussed on his career, the mind then sought to protect this competitive aspect by over-eating, to make him unattractive and thus avoid any further propositions by any women.
The mind is a powerful thing indeed.
I write on this subject today because I have a teenage client who needs to lose about 6 to 7 stone in weight (that's 98 lb for the American readers!) This equates to about a year of focussing on weight loss. After about 6 weeks of treatment I received 3rd party information that her eating behaviours have not changed regardless that she has told me different. At our next session, I knew she was lying but ignored it. Realsing she was rumbled, she failed to show up for her next session.
This is a hard one to take for a therapist. I don't care about how difficult my client finds it. I don't care that they simply can't stop eating popcorn or having midnight feasts and secretly stuffing chocolate. I don't care that it is impossible for them to eat healthy meals on business lunches. But I REALLY care if they don't tell me this. And if they lie to me, they are harming themselves. If I know how they feel, I can help them. If they tell me their difficulties, I can help them find their way round them. If they tell me the problems I can tailor my treatment to them. But why lie to me?
There are very powerful protective forces helping my teenage client stay overweight. If only she could have trusted me that bit more, I could helped her find them and change them.
Most people tell lies to save themselves or others from harm, whether emotional or physical. Some people however lie in order to harm themselves.
Why on earth would anyone do that? It's known as Pyschological Reversal. Usually the mind will do all it can to protect itself and protect the body that houses it. In a psychologically reversed individual however it will act to harm itself.
Let's take someone who engages in negative and destructive behaviours. A classic one is the overweight person who knows they are eating themselves to poor looks, a restricted lifestyle, low self-esteem, bad health and potentially early death but carries on eating regardless. This person is not acting for their best interests and has reversed that mind behaviour that acts to protect.
What a perverse thing to do! Or is it?
In a pyschologically reversed person, there are deep forces at work in the mind. Essentially, the mind believes it really is protecting the person. But the way that protection is manifested is destructive to the whole. The reversed person is usually unaware of why they are doing what they do.
One fascinating case, treated by Roy Hunter, concerns a successful and career-minded 40 year old man who was overweight. He had piled the pounds on over the last 3 years and prior to that he was a healthy weight. Whilst in a hypnotic trance it was ofund out that a few years ago, he had been propositioned by a woman at work. Attracted by her but knowing that an office affair could spell the end of his career, he turned her down. Being so focussed on his career, the mind then sought to protect this competitive aspect by over-eating, to make him unattractive and thus avoid any further propositions by any women.
The mind is a powerful thing indeed.
I write on this subject today because I have a teenage client who needs to lose about 6 to 7 stone in weight (that's 98 lb for the American readers!) This equates to about a year of focussing on weight loss. After about 6 weeks of treatment I received 3rd party information that her eating behaviours have not changed regardless that she has told me different. At our next session, I knew she was lying but ignored it. Realsing she was rumbled, she failed to show up for her next session.
This is a hard one to take for a therapist. I don't care about how difficult my client finds it. I don't care that they simply can't stop eating popcorn or having midnight feasts and secretly stuffing chocolate. I don't care that it is impossible for them to eat healthy meals on business lunches. But I REALLY care if they don't tell me this. And if they lie to me, they are harming themselves. If I know how they feel, I can help them. If they tell me their difficulties, I can help them find their way round them. If they tell me the problems I can tailor my treatment to them. But why lie to me?
There are very powerful protective forces helping my teenage client stay overweight. If only she could have trusted me that bit more, I could helped her find them and change them.
Friday, 19 February 2010
Social Conscience
I have done some interesting work recently, helping adult victims of child abuse. My clients were a young couple in their twenties, with 4 children under the age of 8, who had 3 different fathers. The children were the subject of court proceedings, with the objective of deciding whether to remove the children from the parents "under the category of neglect."
Both parents had been poorly parented themselves so they had no decent example on which to model themselves as parents. The man had been badly abused as a child. So while the court case had been adjourned, Social Services were attempting to improve the parenting skills of the couple in order that they stood a chance of keeping the children. They wanted to show the court that they had done everything possible to help the parents.
Now some would say that if they were incapbable of looking after 4 children, then the couple should lose the children and they should be taken into care and looked after properly and given a better chance in life. I will admit that I had a similar viewpoint. On closer inspection, it is not quite as simple as that. Firstly, it benefits Social Services to leave children with parents because a child in care costs a fortune. To place a single, simple child with no additional needs into any sort of care costs over £400 per week. Yes, per week! Care is VERY expensive for the taxpayer.
The second reason why Social Workers like to leave children with parents is that children in care tend to do badly throughout their lives. Most of the British prison population have been in care as children. Taking children away from parents is a marker for future social problems, which have to dealt with and paid for by the state. So the arguments for children remaining with families are quite persuasive - current cost, future cost and short and long-term wellbeing of the children.
So my role was to help these two parents come to an understanding and an acceptance of what happened to them as children. The aim was that they could move on from the trauma, enabling them to lead easier, happier lives. And Social Services aim then was to help them to learn improved parenting skills, once they had more of a blank canvas to work with. Someone who has been abused as a child has multiple problems and hang-ups that they have to deal with and they can often be quite traumatic.
The man in particular had been through a hell of a childhood and really had suffered, which was affecting him day to day. After several weeks of work, both individuals were feeling much happier and calmer. They both reported a great improvement in their relationships with each other and the children, they played with the children more and were more positive and optimistic in general.
I was absolutely thrilled. To have such a result for these people was fantastic for me and so rewarding. I saw both parents change for the better over time and I loved seeing it. Ultimately I don't know whether they will keep the children. I am just glad that I could play a small part in helping these people to enjoy their lives.
Both parents had been poorly parented themselves so they had no decent example on which to model themselves as parents. The man had been badly abused as a child. So while the court case had been adjourned, Social Services were attempting to improve the parenting skills of the couple in order that they stood a chance of keeping the children. They wanted to show the court that they had done everything possible to help the parents.
Now some would say that if they were incapbable of looking after 4 children, then the couple should lose the children and they should be taken into care and looked after properly and given a better chance in life. I will admit that I had a similar viewpoint. On closer inspection, it is not quite as simple as that. Firstly, it benefits Social Services to leave children with parents because a child in care costs a fortune. To place a single, simple child with no additional needs into any sort of care costs over £400 per week. Yes, per week! Care is VERY expensive for the taxpayer.
The second reason why Social Workers like to leave children with parents is that children in care tend to do badly throughout their lives. Most of the British prison population have been in care as children. Taking children away from parents is a marker for future social problems, which have to dealt with and paid for by the state. So the arguments for children remaining with families are quite persuasive - current cost, future cost and short and long-term wellbeing of the children.
So my role was to help these two parents come to an understanding and an acceptance of what happened to them as children. The aim was that they could move on from the trauma, enabling them to lead easier, happier lives. And Social Services aim then was to help them to learn improved parenting skills, once they had more of a blank canvas to work with. Someone who has been abused as a child has multiple problems and hang-ups that they have to deal with and they can often be quite traumatic.
The man in particular had been through a hell of a childhood and really had suffered, which was affecting him day to day. After several weeks of work, both individuals were feeling much happier and calmer. They both reported a great improvement in their relationships with each other and the children, they played with the children more and were more positive and optimistic in general.
I was absolutely thrilled. To have such a result for these people was fantastic for me and so rewarding. I saw both parents change for the better over time and I loved seeing it. Ultimately I don't know whether they will keep the children. I am just glad that I could play a small part in helping these people to enjoy their lives.
Wednesday, 17 February 2010
On Deprivation (and Lent)
My last post was a little spiritual, so I thought today I would follow through, go the whole hog and mention something from the Christian calendar. It is now Lent - the season of deprivation until Easter! Or is it? I have written a lot about weight loss recently and how it is better not to deprive yourself as it only leads to you craving the object of your deprivation. This of course for Christians is a little like self-flagellation. The deprivation reminds Christians of what Jesus went through for 40 days and nights in the desert without food, where surely he would have felt deprivation keenly, to say the least. So feeling deprived is what it's all about. If you don't feel deprived, you haven't chosen the right thing to go without for the 6 weeks. The idea is to feel Jesus' pain. But there is a way of doing this differently.
Many people resolve to give up something they enjoy like chocolate or alcohol but I once heard a clever sermon for Lent which provided a different twist. This minister's idea was to give up on a behaviour or an emotion that has negative consequences. To give up bitching about somebody, to give up always sniggering at the guy in the office with the appalling dress sense, to give up taking undeserved criticism, to refrain from thinking the worst, to give up always thinking that someone else could do that tedious task, when it could in fact be you.
It dovetails neatly into my work because my clients have all taken the decision to give up on an emotion or behaviour. I have been seeing very many trauma victims recently who don't want to carry the emotions around with them any more. It feels good for them to shake off the overwhelming negativity and anxiety that comes from having been abused as a child, been in a car accident, been bullied at school. They are giving up feeling bad about themselves. They are giving up on old emotions that serve no useful purpose.
But it lasts, it's not just for Lent, it won't disappear at Easter. And it isn't deprivation either.
Many people resolve to give up something they enjoy like chocolate or alcohol but I once heard a clever sermon for Lent which provided a different twist. This minister's idea was to give up on a behaviour or an emotion that has negative consequences. To give up bitching about somebody, to give up always sniggering at the guy in the office with the appalling dress sense, to give up taking undeserved criticism, to refrain from thinking the worst, to give up always thinking that someone else could do that tedious task, when it could in fact be you.
It dovetails neatly into my work because my clients have all taken the decision to give up on an emotion or behaviour. I have been seeing very many trauma victims recently who don't want to carry the emotions around with them any more. It feels good for them to shake off the overwhelming negativity and anxiety that comes from having been abused as a child, been in a car accident, been bullied at school. They are giving up feeling bad about themselves. They are giving up on old emotions that serve no useful purpose.
But it lasts, it's not just for Lent, it won't disappear at Easter. And it isn't deprivation either.
Monday, 8 February 2010
Touching Lives
Something a little spiritual today.
Everyone we meet touches our lives in some way. Even those tiny encounters at the supermarket or petrol station have an effect. Does the assistant barely speak and gives you the change or make some discourse with you. The former could make you feel quite grumpy and wonder what is wrong in the world, especially if you meet enough of them. The person that passes the time of day with their customer may be unaware that he is the only person that that old lady has spoken to in two days. A cheerful few words and a smile could make a difference to someone like that.
So it isn't always the people with whom we have long and close relationships who have the power to touch our lives. A chance meeting or greeting can have a profound effect. Yet everyone holds that power whether they know it or not. It can be worth considering the things we say and how we act because we don't always know their consequences.
Everyone we meet touches our lives in some way. Even those tiny encounters at the supermarket or petrol station have an effect. Does the assistant barely speak and gives you the change or make some discourse with you. The former could make you feel quite grumpy and wonder what is wrong in the world, especially if you meet enough of them. The person that passes the time of day with their customer may be unaware that he is the only person that that old lady has spoken to in two days. A cheerful few words and a smile could make a difference to someone like that.
So it isn't always the people with whom we have long and close relationships who have the power to touch our lives. A chance meeting or greeting can have a profound effect. Yet everyone holds that power whether they know it or not. It can be worth considering the things we say and how we act because we don't always know their consequences.
Monday, 18 January 2010
Progress your Goals
Did that title sound a little Americanised? Well never mind, it works!
How have you got on with SMARTening up your goals/resolutions for the year? By now you should have determined what your goals are and have them all written out, in SMART format. There should be details and timeframes for all your realistic and achievable goals that are going to fit in with your life.
Now comes the part where you make those goals happen.
Every week you must look at those goals and assess whether you have made progress on them. Write this down on the page. Write down what you managed to do - and NOT do. This will focus your mind. It will remind you to feel good about the things you have done and give you a pointer or reminder to make progress on other goals. There may be a good reason why you have not done certain things and that's fine too, just make sure you are not procrastinating and putting things off for no good reason.
It's a good idea to make time for this goal review. It really only takes 5 minutes. Try scheduling it for the same time every week, Monday morning or on the train home or any other convenient time. Scheduling it in your diary makes it far more sure that you will do this.
Do try and you are already on your way to achieving your 2010 goals. Good luck!
How have you got on with SMARTening up your goals/resolutions for the year? By now you should have determined what your goals are and have them all written out, in SMART format. There should be details and timeframes for all your realistic and achievable goals that are going to fit in with your life.
Now comes the part where you make those goals happen.
Every week you must look at those goals and assess whether you have made progress on them. Write this down on the page. Write down what you managed to do - and NOT do. This will focus your mind. It will remind you to feel good about the things you have done and give you a pointer or reminder to make progress on other goals. There may be a good reason why you have not done certain things and that's fine too, just make sure you are not procrastinating and putting things off for no good reason.
It's a good idea to make time for this goal review. It really only takes 5 minutes. Try scheduling it for the same time every week, Monday morning or on the train home or any other convenient time. Scheduling it in your diary makes it far more sure that you will do this.
Do try and you are already on your way to achieving your 2010 goals. Good luck!
Monday, 4 January 2010
New Year's Resolutions and how to keep them
Happy New Year to you all in 2010. Today's blog is about how to get to the end of the year feeling great, having achieved what you wanted to achieve.
In common with many others born before the 1980s, I do think that the year 2010 still sounds a long way in the future rather than really today. Do you remember that programme "Space 1999" where they lived on the moon or some such planet?
But I digress....
How to start the year and carry on in a good groove? I find that there are a few big depression points in the year. One is when the clocks go back in October and it feels like winter. The next is Christmas for some, then New Year, which some people detest. Thereafter the stretch from the Christmas holidays to Easter and the clocks going forward again can seem very long and cold.
When you add to that stretch the disappointment that many people feel when they realise that they have failed in their New Years resolutions, it can make for dark days indeed. So how can you make those resolutions and actually stick to them this year?
The first option is not to bother at all! This will achieve the aim but may also set you up for a depressing New Years eve at the end of the year. I'm going to give you a new alternative.
I now assume that you have a few "resolutions" for the year ahead. Firstly, don't put yourself under pressure. There is no magic about the date of 1st January. How many smokers have resolved to quit and by the morning of 2nd January are back ont he smokes? Mainly because there was too much pressure put on a date that is only a mark in the calendar after all and the smoker was not ready on that day. That's why I am writing this post today. If you have alreday slipped up, don't sweat, start again tomorrow, or on Wednesday, it really doesn't matter so much.
Your first task is to get hold of a blank book, notebook, a small folder, file, page in your filofax, note in your Blueberry etc. The next is to note down your goals for the year on the front page. Write them quite briefly and succinctly eg. Improve my fitness, Lose weight etc.
Then take another page for each of your goals and now comes the interesting part. Each goal now needs to be made SMART. Smart goals are:
S - Specific
M - Measurable
A - Achievable
R - Realistic
T - Timebound
So my weight loss goal is to lose 12lb (specific & measurable) by Easter (timebound). Now I do my reality check and ask whether I CAN achieve this goal. Is it a realistic goal to set? Don't over-stretch yourself or you will set yourself up for failure. You want to be setting yourself up for success at this point. The question to ask is, "If I put some effort in, which does not impact negatively on the rest of my life, can I do this?"
If you have a goal which has a negative impact elsewhere in your life, it might not be a goal that you really want to achieve. Hence you most likely won't see it through. If running a marathon means that you spend a lot of time at weekends running and don't see your family, you may have derailed one of your values of spending time together. At some point this conflict will result in a change and the change may be that the marathon is not as important as family therefore you drop the marathon and feel disapointed in yourself. Goals MUST be realistic and fit in with your values and beliefs.
Now you have your SMART goal, put some detail into your plans as to how you are going to achieve this goal. It's all very well to have a goal but you do ned to understand HOW you will achieve it. A goal on it's own is not enough. So plan all the parts and tasks that have to come together to get to the timebound end with your goal having been achieved.
Again, each part of the plan must be SMART. For my weight loss goal I might write down that I will go to the gym. I will go once per week in January, twice per week in February, building up to a habit of going to the gym 3 times per week, which I want to achieve by May. Think about everything that surrounds these plans, make them achievable. I know for a fact that if I try to start off by going to the gym 3 times per week from today, I won't be able to keep it up. So my goal is realistic and increases with time. Too much change at once is not realistic for our poor little brains!
We are creatures of habit and the mind loves habit. So if you have a couch potato habit, the mind is going to be very resistant to a sudden change to a gym bunny habit. It will do everything in it's power to stop you going to the gym and holding on to it's couch potato life. After all, you have survived this long by lying on the couch.
Go through each goal in excatly the same way so you end up with a few pages of SMART plans, one for each goal. Now you are ready to put it all into action.
Every day or two, look at your plans and goals and check whether you have made prgress today or this week on your goals. If you do this systematically, you will jog yourself into taking action. The idea is to make progress weekly so you must review weekly at least. It is a good idea to set time in your diary to do this, just 15 minutes is enough. If you do it at the same time every week, you will soon establish this as a habit too.
You can note down your progress as you go through the months and then you can see, record and keep track. By the end of the year, perhaps you won't have achieved everything you set out to do but I know for sure that you will have made progress on each one. That will feel very satisfying to you by the time 2011 comes round.
OK, I'm off to the gym!
In common with many others born before the 1980s, I do think that the year 2010 still sounds a long way in the future rather than really today. Do you remember that programme "Space 1999" where they lived on the moon or some such planet?
But I digress....
How to start the year and carry on in a good groove? I find that there are a few big depression points in the year. One is when the clocks go back in October and it feels like winter. The next is Christmas for some, then New Year, which some people detest. Thereafter the stretch from the Christmas holidays to Easter and the clocks going forward again can seem very long and cold.
When you add to that stretch the disappointment that many people feel when they realise that they have failed in their New Years resolutions, it can make for dark days indeed. So how can you make those resolutions and actually stick to them this year?
The first option is not to bother at all! This will achieve the aim but may also set you up for a depressing New Years eve at the end of the year. I'm going to give you a new alternative.
I now assume that you have a few "resolutions" for the year ahead. Firstly, don't put yourself under pressure. There is no magic about the date of 1st January. How many smokers have resolved to quit and by the morning of 2nd January are back ont he smokes? Mainly because there was too much pressure put on a date that is only a mark in the calendar after all and the smoker was not ready on that day. That's why I am writing this post today. If you have alreday slipped up, don't sweat, start again tomorrow, or on Wednesday, it really doesn't matter so much.
Your first task is to get hold of a blank book, notebook, a small folder, file, page in your filofax, note in your Blueberry etc. The next is to note down your goals for the year on the front page. Write them quite briefly and succinctly eg. Improve my fitness, Lose weight etc.
Then take another page for each of your goals and now comes the interesting part. Each goal now needs to be made SMART. Smart goals are:
S - Specific
M - Measurable
A - Achievable
R - Realistic
T - Timebound
So my weight loss goal is to lose 12lb (specific & measurable) by Easter (timebound). Now I do my reality check and ask whether I CAN achieve this goal. Is it a realistic goal to set? Don't over-stretch yourself or you will set yourself up for failure. You want to be setting yourself up for success at this point. The question to ask is, "If I put some effort in, which does not impact negatively on the rest of my life, can I do this?"
If you have a goal which has a negative impact elsewhere in your life, it might not be a goal that you really want to achieve. Hence you most likely won't see it through. If running a marathon means that you spend a lot of time at weekends running and don't see your family, you may have derailed one of your values of spending time together. At some point this conflict will result in a change and the change may be that the marathon is not as important as family therefore you drop the marathon and feel disapointed in yourself. Goals MUST be realistic and fit in with your values and beliefs.
Now you have your SMART goal, put some detail into your plans as to how you are going to achieve this goal. It's all very well to have a goal but you do ned to understand HOW you will achieve it. A goal on it's own is not enough. So plan all the parts and tasks that have to come together to get to the timebound end with your goal having been achieved.
Again, each part of the plan must be SMART. For my weight loss goal I might write down that I will go to the gym. I will go once per week in January, twice per week in February, building up to a habit of going to the gym 3 times per week, which I want to achieve by May. Think about everything that surrounds these plans, make them achievable. I know for a fact that if I try to start off by going to the gym 3 times per week from today, I won't be able to keep it up. So my goal is realistic and increases with time. Too much change at once is not realistic for our poor little brains!
We are creatures of habit and the mind loves habit. So if you have a couch potato habit, the mind is going to be very resistant to a sudden change to a gym bunny habit. It will do everything in it's power to stop you going to the gym and holding on to it's couch potato life. After all, you have survived this long by lying on the couch.
Go through each goal in excatly the same way so you end up with a few pages of SMART plans, one for each goal. Now you are ready to put it all into action.
Every day or two, look at your plans and goals and check whether you have made prgress today or this week on your goals. If you do this systematically, you will jog yourself into taking action. The idea is to make progress weekly so you must review weekly at least. It is a good idea to set time in your diary to do this, just 15 minutes is enough. If you do it at the same time every week, you will soon establish this as a habit too.
You can note down your progress as you go through the months and then you can see, record and keep track. By the end of the year, perhaps you won't have achieved everything you set out to do but I know for sure that you will have made progress on each one. That will feel very satisfying to you by the time 2011 comes round.
OK, I'm off to the gym!
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
New Year Blues?
I know it isn't New Year yet but everything that can be said about Christmas has already been said hasn't it?
Some years ago I met for the first time, one of those people who hates New Year. Until then I had not been aware of this substantial group. This particular individual explained that he found New Year depressing because it was an opportunity to look back over the year past and realise that he had achieved nothing, not moved on in life, not got anywhere nearer to reaching his goals.
My thoughts were instantly that this was one seriously depressing and depressed person! Well heavens, if you looked back at all your failures wouldn't you hate it too? I certainly would. This man had no perspective on what he HAD achieved. Maybe he had learned to cook macaroni cheese or discovered more about recycling or painted his kitchen, bought a new car, educated himself by reading a paper twice a week. I don't know what he had done but I know he had achieved something. But he wasn't acknowledging anything that he had done.
Perhaps some of our strategic goals might not have been achieved in full but let's not let that overshadow who we are and what we do and have done this year. I haven't achieved everything I wanted to and I haven't got as far with some goals as I wanted to get either. What I have achieved though has been an expansion of my hypnotherapy work, an excellent work/life balance and a deeper love for my small son. Those things are important and although I did not do the one thing that I wanted most this year, I will not be feeling depressed when the New Year arrives.
Take a proper look at what you have done this year. And if you acknowledge the detail then you will find achievments and positive change too.
Some years ago I met for the first time, one of those people who hates New Year. Until then I had not been aware of this substantial group. This particular individual explained that he found New Year depressing because it was an opportunity to look back over the year past and realise that he had achieved nothing, not moved on in life, not got anywhere nearer to reaching his goals.
My thoughts were instantly that this was one seriously depressing and depressed person! Well heavens, if you looked back at all your failures wouldn't you hate it too? I certainly would. This man had no perspective on what he HAD achieved. Maybe he had learned to cook macaroni cheese or discovered more about recycling or painted his kitchen, bought a new car, educated himself by reading a paper twice a week. I don't know what he had done but I know he had achieved something. But he wasn't acknowledging anything that he had done.
Perhaps some of our strategic goals might not have been achieved in full but let's not let that overshadow who we are and what we do and have done this year. I haven't achieved everything I wanted to and I haven't got as far with some goals as I wanted to get either. What I have achieved though has been an expansion of my hypnotherapy work, an excellent work/life balance and a deeper love for my small son. Those things are important and although I did not do the one thing that I wanted most this year, I will not be feeling depressed when the New Year arrives.
Take a proper look at what you have done this year. And if you acknowledge the detail then you will find achievments and positive change too.
Sunday, 18 October 2009
On romance
A girlfriend recently emailled me to say that she had prepared an evening picnic for her partner. She had put the children to bed and had laid out some beautiful food and drink on a blanket in the living room for her beloved when he got home.
It struck me instantly that it was a wonderful thing to do. Romantic, thoughtful, pleasing, simple.
Ladies, do you ever wish or grumble that your partner is never romantic? What do you mean by that? Do you ever make romantic gestures for him? Well do you?
It is easy for us to complain about the lack of romance displayed by our men. But if we never reciprocate then what do we expect? I'd like to encourage all ladies to start to do a little more on the romance stakes. Sometimes perhaps we expect too much of our men. And if we display the behaviour we would like to experience then others tend to follow suit. When we are polite, we tend to be spoken to politely. If we are angry and aggressive, our opposite number usually reacts with anger and aggression.
So if we are romantic and loving, why would our loved ones not react in a similar manner? Try it. I'm going to.
It struck me instantly that it was a wonderful thing to do. Romantic, thoughtful, pleasing, simple.
Ladies, do you ever wish or grumble that your partner is never romantic? What do you mean by that? Do you ever make romantic gestures for him? Well do you?
It is easy for us to complain about the lack of romance displayed by our men. But if we never reciprocate then what do we expect? I'd like to encourage all ladies to start to do a little more on the romance stakes. Sometimes perhaps we expect too much of our men. And if we display the behaviour we would like to experience then others tend to follow suit. When we are polite, we tend to be spoken to politely. If we are angry and aggressive, our opposite number usually reacts with anger and aggression.
So if we are romantic and loving, why would our loved ones not react in a similar manner? Try it. I'm going to.
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
Being Thankful
It's too long since I regularly "blogged" and I have lost many of my friends on the journey. But that's ok, perhaps I will make some new ones. I've not been in full health and there's a reason for that which I don't yet fully understand. Understanding will come though.
Today's post is about thankfulness and mindfulness. It will strike a chord with those of you who follow a religion. To others it will sound overtly "Pollyanna-ish" and perhaps some will want to scream at me. To let you in, I have been through all of those reactions so just accept your reaction fopr what it is. That's mindfulness.
So my subject is to be thankful. There definitely is something to be learned in every situation that life throws at us. When all is going our way, we rarely stop to consider what we are learning. Perhaps that is becuase the soul is not developing, perhaps it is too easy. When life is tough, sometimes a small voice nags us to understand that every part of life is a journey and that we will be picking up experiences and learning from them. Yet when we are in physical or emotional pain or mental anguish engulfs us, then how on earth can we take anything positive from where we are?
That's when the screaming voice can take over and want to cut down any self-righteous, patronising do-gooder who looks on sympathetically and tells us to "be positive."
AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!
But if you look closely, there is an ingredient missing from the recipe and it is TIME. In the thick of it, in the middle of the fight, all you can do is protect yourself from the blows and strike out when you get the opportunity. Only later when you analyse it with your coach and watch the video footage will you be able to gain the perspective you need to really learn from the mistakes you made in the ring.
So try this now. Look backwards in time and pick a time or situation or a person which you would rather miss out if you could play the film of your life again. With the perspective of time, examine the video footage and see if you can identify the positive aspects. What did you do well? But most of all, what are you thankful for?
I would rather forget and miss out the experience of marriage to my first husband but on so many days I have reason to feel thankful for the time we spent together. He taught me to cook! To cook real, fresh food and to experiment, to not be afraid in the kitchen. I still have the cookery book he patronisingly bought me the week before our wedding - it is a firm favourite of mine.
If I take this concept further and extrapolate the effect of learning to cook, I can thank my ex-husband for my health. Ten years of eating unprocessed, fresh food has doubtless had a positive effect on my health. It is a strange feeling to thank him for that but I cannot deny it.
Finding something positive in a bad situation liberates us from the negative emotional effects of that unfortunate experience. For some people there may be much healing required but the exercise of thankfulness can be a start.
Try that today.
Today's post is about thankfulness and mindfulness. It will strike a chord with those of you who follow a religion. To others it will sound overtly "Pollyanna-ish" and perhaps some will want to scream at me. To let you in, I have been through all of those reactions so just accept your reaction fopr what it is. That's mindfulness.
So my subject is to be thankful. There definitely is something to be learned in every situation that life throws at us. When all is going our way, we rarely stop to consider what we are learning. Perhaps that is becuase the soul is not developing, perhaps it is too easy. When life is tough, sometimes a small voice nags us to understand that every part of life is a journey and that we will be picking up experiences and learning from them. Yet when we are in physical or emotional pain or mental anguish engulfs us, then how on earth can we take anything positive from where we are?
That's when the screaming voice can take over and want to cut down any self-righteous, patronising do-gooder who looks on sympathetically and tells us to "be positive."
AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!
But if you look closely, there is an ingredient missing from the recipe and it is TIME. In the thick of it, in the middle of the fight, all you can do is protect yourself from the blows and strike out when you get the opportunity. Only later when you analyse it with your coach and watch the video footage will you be able to gain the perspective you need to really learn from the mistakes you made in the ring.
So try this now. Look backwards in time and pick a time or situation or a person which you would rather miss out if you could play the film of your life again. With the perspective of time, examine the video footage and see if you can identify the positive aspects. What did you do well? But most of all, what are you thankful for?
I would rather forget and miss out the experience of marriage to my first husband but on so many days I have reason to feel thankful for the time we spent together. He taught me to cook! To cook real, fresh food and to experiment, to not be afraid in the kitchen. I still have the cookery book he patronisingly bought me the week before our wedding - it is a firm favourite of mine.
If I take this concept further and extrapolate the effect of learning to cook, I can thank my ex-husband for my health. Ten years of eating unprocessed, fresh food has doubtless had a positive effect on my health. It is a strange feeling to thank him for that but I cannot deny it.
Finding something positive in a bad situation liberates us from the negative emotional effects of that unfortunate experience. For some people there may be much healing required but the exercise of thankfulness can be a start.
Try that today.
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
Books for Children
I have ideas for 2 books. I have the outline chapters for one and a synopsis written. The other is still in my head but I started to write it this week.
This book is one that I am writing for my son. It is a love story, the story of how his daddy and I met. It's a long story and spans 9 years from our first meeting to having a full relationship. We met at work and 8 years later he told me that he loved me. Every time I tell anyone the story they go all gooey and someone once said that it sounded like a film.
None of us know how long we will be here. Sometimes we tread our lives on the thinnest of knife edges. And sometimes we don't even know how close to the edge we were. So in case I never get to tell the story to my boy, I am writing it now. So one day he will know just how deep our love goes.
What is your story?
This book is one that I am writing for my son. It is a love story, the story of how his daddy and I met. It's a long story and spans 9 years from our first meeting to having a full relationship. We met at work and 8 years later he told me that he loved me. Every time I tell anyone the story they go all gooey and someone once said that it sounded like a film.
None of us know how long we will be here. Sometimes we tread our lives on the thinnest of knife edges. And sometimes we don't even know how close to the edge we were. So in case I never get to tell the story to my boy, I am writing it now. So one day he will know just how deep our love goes.
What is your story?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
